When do kids and their families learn the whys and whats of the sacred space they call ‘home church’? At the Faith Milestone: I Love My Church! Every local church has beautiful history (original MM sanctuary was built in 1932 and used in the movie Smokie and the Bandit among other films) and a fabulous traditional church space (MM built in 1990, narthex, vestibule, massive communion table, two levels of sanctuary pews) that little people just have to run in. I want them to have those memories AND have the vocabulary to share their own stories in their own home-church when they become teens and adults

Supplies:

The Year of Our Lord liturgical color calendar – discussing differences between our house calendar and the church calendar, colors to look for throughout campus, and remembrances of Jesus’ life. (color copy in packet)

Heart Stickers
Scavenger Hunt
“What We Do In Church” by Anne E. Kitch (color sheets on prayer stances and vocabulary)
The Beginner’s Bible: All About Jesus Sticker & Activity Book
Orange caution cones (Dollar Tree)

We begin with an ice breaker: Say your name and something interesting about yourself. Open in prayer.

Start discussing the church calendar and how the colors the students will see represent certain events of Jesus’ life.
Vocabulary: Lent, Liturgical, Advent, Pentecost, Epiphany, Christmas season, Ascension, Holy Trinity, Ash Wednesday, Holy Week. Then we set out with our sticker sheets looking for orange caution cones.

Earlier in the day we set up stations throughout campus with heart stickers (we LOVE our church!) in a clear bucket. Orange caution cones advised us where to go…think: Amazing Race has the red and yellow boxes, we use caution cones found at Dollar Tree. Students are ready with their sticker sheets to place stickers beside vocabulary describing different locations in the church.
Vocabulary:
Chapel (built in 1931)
Narthex (porch of a church)
Sanctuary (built in 1990)
Vestibule (space near outer door)
Pew (long bench with a back placed in rows)
Pulpit (raised platform where preacher delivers a message)
Choir Loft (space where choir sings together)
Communion Table (table where all are welcome to remember Jesus!)

As a group, we then follow the signage proceeding to the above locations and we run! All over the place. When we’ve met at each location, we enjoy a ‘work as a team because Jesus always sent out His disciples 2 or 3 at a time’ Scavenger Hunt:
What is the name of one of our pastors?
What color are the church’s front doors?
What color is the parament on the Communion Table?
How many black keys are on the piano played by the accompanist?
What is the big book opened on the Communion Table?
How many exit signs are in the Sanctuary and the Narthex? (Why would we need to know where the exits are?)
How many pews are in the Sanctuary?
How many crosses are in the Sanctuary?
What colors are the chairs in the choir loft?

Upon completion, I share a very abbreviated story of Jesus going to church with His family and affirm their parent’s heart for them to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. Everyone gets an All About Jesus Sticker & Activity book to take home! Close in prayer. Precious face time with 2nd graders and their families…sacred memories of sacred spaces and special kids. Kiss on the cheek from the Lord? Three students in attendance came to Sunday school the following weekend for the first time!

What would your I Love My Church Faith Milestone look like?

“I rejoiced with those who said to me, ‘Let us go to the house of the Lord.'” Psalm 122:1

 

Our 3-year-old granddaughter is petite, but mighty. She was born on the side of the road during rush-hour traffic in south Florida, has a 10-foot personality, and has been talking since she could open her eyes. Communication is her gift and it will get her far in life. She is patient and will rephrase her sentences until you understand what she’s trying to tell you. She isn’t as articulate as a 13-year-old, but she seeks to be understood so she will keep talking until you get it and rarely gets frustrated.

Most kids have difficulty finding the words to explain what they are feeling, what they have seen, what they understand, and how their precious, little minds are processing their worlds. Just as there are building blocks to cognitive skills like academics, there are also building blocks for their emotional development. Children without emotional vocabulary struggle to find perspective and have difficulty in regulating their emotions. Meltdowns are often and grow in intensity.

In Are My Kids On Track: The 12 Emotional, Social and Spiritual Milestones Your Child Needs to Reach the three authors (Christian counselors) write, “Emotional literacy is a prerequisite to regulation, practiced empathy, resourcefulness, and healthy interpersonal relationships.” It’s in the first chapter of this amazing resource because ‘we believe it’s where the other milestones begin.’ (pg 38)

In the back of the chapter, the authors shared several practical ideas for building an emotional vocabulary: post a feelings chart on the fridge, choose books and movies rich in emotional content, reflect back feelings statements (“It seems you are feeling…”), role-play, use art, and play games. I particularly like using art. “If your child is having trouble expressing their emotions, hand them a sheet of paper and have them draw what they’re feeling.” (pg 41)

I am constantly fascinated with the way kids communicate. If given the opportunity, they’ll share with you their dreams, their hopes, their fears, and what their parents did last night that made them late for church. (grin) Using art and symbols is one of the easiest ways to engage in communication with a child. They can’t be wrong.

In the local church, we teach, but do we ask the best questions? Do we give kids a chance to engage in conversation face-to-face? Share testimony? Do we go deep into the minds and hearts of the little people we serve? I admit, not enough. Let’s take it a step further: How do we have conversations with kids who are lost, sad, grieve, or are angry?  What if you had a tool to do just that? According to the founder of Holy Listening Stones, Rev. Dr. Leanne Hadley, the practice of using the Holy Listening Stones symbols is to help people share how they feel. Symbol, especially to children, is their “native language”.

The North Georgia United Methodist Church Conference will be offering a practical, hands-on training with Holy Listening Stones. We’ll create a partial set of stones and practice how to engage children in prayer, begin conversations, offering emotional and sacred vocabulary in a safe place. I know plenty of tweeners who have just as much difficulty in explaining themselves. These tools are helpful in a whole host of ways and for all ages. Join us for an evening of sharing at https://www.ngumc.org/doneinaday. Six locations on the same evening across North Georgia on Monday, March 19, 2018 at 6:15pm. Childcare is provided.

Anyone who works with children or even has children (grandparents, you too!) would benefit to learn the art of holy listening. Little Miss helped make my set of holy listening stones armed with modpodge and a foam brush. Our children need to feel loved and heard. Using holy listening stones is one of the ways we can encourage children to share their dreams, their fears, their prayers, and their hearts when they don’t have the vocabulary to do so. As it reads on the flier, “When we interact in this way with a child, we are living into the familiar scripture, ‘Where two or three are gathered in my name, I’m with them.’ Matthew 18:20 CEB”  Register today!

Faith sticks when little people can experience the family stories of the Bible through their five senses. The greatest story ever told is the Good News of Jesus. With Easter coming, we are preparing for a sticky faith formation experience for Palm Sunday’s Sunday school hour. The goal is to introduce vocabulary and give a time line of what happened. I share with our littles that this is the greatest story ever told because it’s about our best friend, Jesus. There are some really happy parts and some really sad parts, but the ending is AMAZING!

Family Friendly Holy Week Stations

1. Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane.
After Jesus had His LAST SUPPER with His buddies, and sang a song, He went out to pray.
Luke 22:39-43 “Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.”
Item: Praying Hands, Communion Cup and plate
Did you know? Nowhere else in scripture did God kneel on this earth, but here. How often do you kneel before God?

2. Jesus was arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane.
While Jesus was asking his buddies to “Watch and pray,” Judas, one of the 12, arrived. At once Judas came up to Jesus and kissed Jesus. Then a crowd came and arrested Jesus.
Matthew 26:47-50 “While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the Meaners of the people. ‘The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.’ Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him. Then the men stepped forward, seized Jesus and arrested him.”
Item: Handcuffs, leather cord, chains (the bigger and the heavier, the better)
Did you know? Jesus came back to his buddies to ask them to “Watch and Pray” 3 times. Do you have buddies you can ask to “Watch and Pray?” Pray that God will send them to you.

3. Jesus was taken to the religious leaders.
The Meaners took Jesus to the chief priests, elders and teachers of the law looking for evidence against Jesus so they could put him to death.
Mark 14:61-64 “The meaners took Jesus to the high priest and the whole Sanhedrin who were looking for evidence against Jesus. They all agreed to send Jesus to die. Then some began to spit at him; they blindfolded him, struck him with their fists, and yelled at him. And the guards took him and beat him.”
Item: a Pastor’s stole
Did you know? The religious leaders were afraid of how the people loved Jesus. Are you afraid of people who love Jesus?

4. Jesus taken to the government leaders.
Since the religious leaders were not allowed by law to put someone to death, they sent Jesus to the government leader to put Jesus to death.
John 18:28-37 “In the early morning, the meaners took Jesus to the palace of the Roman governor named Pilate. Pilate asked Jesus “What have you done?” Jesus answered, “My kingdom is not from this world. My kingdom is not from here.” “You are a king, then!” said Pilate.”
Item: Judge’s gavel
Did you know? Pilate wanted to let Jesus go and thought that having Jesus “spanked” would be enough punishment for the crowd. Do you let other people make you do things you know are wrong?

5. Pilate hands Jesus over to be beaten.
John 19:1-3 “Then Pilate took Jesus and had him flogged. The soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and put it on his head. They clothed him in a purple robe and went up to him again and again, saying, “Hail king of the Jews!” And they struck him in the face.”
Item: Crown of thorns and leather whip.
Did you know? The first mention of “thorns” in the bible comes in Genesis as part of the punishment of Adam and Eve as they leave the Garden of Eden and were then required to grow their own food among the “thorns and the thistles.”

6. Pilate hands Jesus over to be crucified.
John 19:16- “So the meaners took charge of Jesus. Carrying his own cross, Jesus went out to the place of the Skull (which is called Golgotha).”
Item: Railroad tie, cross beams, cross the kids can pick up and hoist onto their shoulders
Did you know? that the sickness of sin and selfishness is heavy? Do you really want to carry around something that separates you from God?

7. Simon helps Jesus carry the heavy cross.
Luke 23:26 “As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced Simon to help Jesus carry the cross.”
Item: Table mirror or cross kids can pick up and hoist onto their shoulders here, instead.
Did you know? That someone helped Jesus carry His cross when it got too heavy? Would you help Jesus carry His cross?

8. Many of the ladies who loved Jesus followed him crying.
Luke23:27 “A large number of people follow him, including women who mourned and wailed for him. Jesus turned to them and said, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children.”
Item: Box of Kleenex
Did you know? The term “Daughter” is a term of endearment for a family member. Jesus was claiming these ladies as part of his family. Even though He was going through a bad time, Jesus still thought of others. Do you claim Jesus as part of your family?

9. The Meaners take Jesus’ clothes.
John 19:23-When the meaners crucified Jesus; they took his clothes, dividing them into four shares, one for each of them, with the undergarment remaining. This garment was seamless, woven in one piece from top to bottom. “Let’s not tear it,” they said to one another. “Let’s decide by lot who will get it.” This happened that the scripture might be fulfilled which said, “They divided my garments among them and cast lots for my clothing.” (Psalm 22:18)
Item: Dice, purple/scarlet robe
Did you know? It is a great insult to human dignity to rob a person of everything, even his clothing. Most of us will never know the shame and suffering of being penniless and virtually naked in a public place, as many of the homeless on the streets of our cities today. Have you offered anything to help clothe the people in our community?

10. Jesus on the cross.
Luke 23:33-34 “When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals – one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Item: Nails, rubber mallet
Did you know? Jesus could have zapped those who mocked/made fun of him – but he suffered through it all because he loved even his enemies. Does this even matter? Does Jesus matter to you? How?

11. Criminals speak to Jesus
Luke 23:39-43 “One of the criminals who hung there hurled/yelled insults at Jesus: he said, “Aren’t you the Christ? Save yourself and us!” But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t’ you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today, you will be with me in paradise.”
Item: First Aid kit, Stephen Ministry kit
Did you know? From the very words of Jesus, it’ll take no longer than a day to get to heaven. Do you only pray to ask for Jesus to rescue you, bless you, protect you? Is it all about you?

12. Jesus asked for something to drink.
John 19:28-30 “Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, “I am thirsty,” A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus’ lips. When Jesus had received the drink, Jesus said,”It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.”
Item: Vinegar in various cups, sponges to smell and touch
Did you know? This vinegar was a cheap wine that the Roman soldiers drank while waiting for those crucified to die. Do you offer Jesus your whole life, the best of you (everyday prayer, bible reading, regular giving, and regular church attendance), or a cheap life (prayer only when you are in trouble, don’t use your bible at all, giving what’s left over, and choosing anything else over church attendance)?

13. Jesus dies on the cross
Luke 23:44-46 “It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last.”
Item: Altar cross covered in black sheeting
Did you know? Complete darkness covered the earth from noon until 3pm after Jesus died on the cross. All nature seemed to mourn over the stark tragedy of the death of God’s Son. Sunday matters because of what happened on Friday.

14. Jesus is laid in the tomb.
John 19:38-42 “Later, Joseph of Arimathea asked Pilate for the body of Jesus. Now Joseph was a disciple/follower of Jesus, but secretly because he feared the Jews. With Pilate’s permission, he came and took the body away. He and Nicodemus, the man who earlier had visited Jesus at night, took Jesus’ body, wrapped it in strips of linen, with spices. This was in accordance with Jewish burial customs. At the place where Jesus was crucified, there was a garden, and in the garden a new tomb, in which no one had ever been laid. Because it was the Jewish day of Preparation and since the tomb was nearby, they laid Jesus there. A stone was placed over the entrance.”
Item: Heart-shaped stone, Resurrection Garden pot, a plant.
Did you know? John 3:16 God loved . . . God gave . . . We believe and trust/ put our weight on it . . . We receive eternal life, new life, Christ life. What will you do now with what you know?

15. Jesus is Alive!
Item: Basketful of empty eggs, live plant, live lily
Did you know? That God loves you so much, He sent his one and only Son, Jesus, to take the punishment for our sins (when we don’t love God and don’t love others) so that we can go to the big party in heaven one day when our time on earth is done. Jesus is preparing a place for all who love Him in Heaven. This is another amazing part: In the mean time, God wants us to talk like Jesus, and act like Jesus, by showing love to God and others. One way to do that is telling others the Good News that Jesus came to show us God’s love for us and others. Who will you tell this week? Another way to do that is to help someone in need. Who will you help today?

You can place the information in plastic stand-up frames which can be placed at each station, or use a small, cheap photo book with the information if the stations are not in one location.

Let me know of other ideas to keep the story fresh and new in the hearts of our families and in my own heart. A good challenge each year is to discover something new about the Easter story to share with your little people. This IS the Good News…may we be found faithful in sharing it well and in a way that lets little people and their families engage in conversation about our great Jesus.

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
1 John 3:18 NIV

(This blog was originally posted in February 2013)

Many women have modeled for me the different stages of a woman’s life: my mother was a scrappy entrepreneur, most of Team Reilly’s family traditions came from my stepmother, Chantal was my first prayer partner, Cindy S pushed me to lead, Kate showed me how to take risks, Rowena pointed me to the healing and resurrection power of God’s Holy Word. I watch Sheila be a loving mother-in-law and grandmother, listen to Rhoda teach me how to measure ministry, Cindy C gently reminds me by her life to be aware of the needs of others. These women and many others have directed, modeled, and nurtured my heart to be seen, be named, and be drawn out.

This is the closing blog on the fifth factor from Dr. Leonard Sax’s book Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men. Parts 1-3 can be found here, here, and here. Dr. Sax shares story upon story about factor #5: the loss of positive role models. “A boy does not naturally become a gentleman by which I mean a man who is courteous, kind, and unselfish. That behavior is not hardwired. It has to be taught.” (pg 202)

Think about it….even movies and television shows today do not show men as heroes unless the main character has a superpower or wears a cape. The dads are typically portrayed as bumbling idiots who are unaware, unwise, and ridiculous or abusive. This gal was raised by a John Wayne and Andy Griffith fan. Get my drift? We still have masculine heroes in some of our movies (Gladiator, Avatar, Titanic, Three Musketeers), but ‘script-writers seem unable to write a believable story about a boy becoming a heroic man, without supernatural powers, set in our era.‘ (pg 212) “If we fail to provide boys with pro-social models of the transition to adulthood, they will construct their own, which may not be so positive and constructive.” (pg 205) The Boy Scouts was founded in 1910 with the explicit goal of making men of little boys and fostering an independent manhood.

In Chapter 10 of Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, the authors speak of nurturing a boy’s heart where the heart is the center and basis for all spiritual life…’his entire inner being and how he is created to be.’ We are called to do three things:

We must SEE HIM – to love a boy well we must be a student of him. We must know more than just what makes him tick or ticks him off. We study our boys with a curiosity and appreciation who he is, but even more than that. Be a student of your boys with a vision for who they will become. All those years of studying my son and his friends have given me wonderful stories to share with his wife and will share with his son. When the Promise Keepers movement was prominent in faith formation of men several decades ago, they offered a conference named Promise Keepers for Boys. The men in my home church traveled and provided this experience for my son and many of his friends. One on one. Then these men came back and invested in each of the boys in their charge with time, adventure, antique cars, laughter. These men SAW these young boys and spoke truth of God’s call on their lives in the present and in the future. They are still connected today.

We must NAME HIM – ‘To name someone means that we have profound and intimate relationship with him.’ Nicknames are a great example of the power of names. They are often terms of endearment used by close family or friends or admirers. If you SEE your boys well (been curious about him, developed an appreciation of his uniqueness, and gained a vision for him), ‘it’s likely that you will be motivated to speak what you have seen by naming him.’ If it is accurate, we offer a boy an identity he can’t quite see for himself, we offer a direction for his reputation, his promise and his glory that will help direct his movements and decisions going forward. When I named my son in public, he could ALWAYS trust that I would speak highly of him. Are we speaking highly of our brothers? Our husbands? Our sons? Our family?

We DRAW HIM OUT – This is where a boy’s heart is challenged, invited, coaxed, and directed toward integrity, intimacy, and to be known. In Hebrew, the word that means ‘to draw’ is hiphil. The same word translates ‘to be saved.’ This highlights the truth that the work of drawing a boy out is the work of saving him. Saving him beyond life’s disappointments, shattered dreams, and the rubble of many opinions of what it means to be a man of faith, a disciple of Jesus Christ who is our boy’s true Savior. “The truth is, a boy can do everything right and follow all the rules, but if his heart’s not in it, his life will be aimless and ultimately meaningless. A boy must be engaged with and directed in an ongoing and intimate relationship with himself, with others, and with God. It’s our job to draw him out and help him to keep his heart.” (pg 207)

Just as a kid learns best about Jesus by spending time with men and women who love Jesus, boys need men of faith who invest in their lives. Yet few men invest in children’s ministry. I’ve appealed to many men to join the ranks. My son and his rambunctious fellow 3rd-5th graders called their Sunday school teacher ‘Harry Braveheart Booth.’ This man was ready for battle with them and the distractions of life every single Sunday. I prayed for this man, regularly. I prayed for men to step into my son’s life in the areas where I could not with a joy and fire for Jesus. I pray today for older men to continue to step into my sons’ lives, and for the churches who are my grandsons’ home churches. I pray for the men who have said YES in the local church where I serve and I reach out to them often with gratitude and hope and wonder.

Oh to meet the needs of all children with the love and hope found in Jesus! The struggle is real in trying to be all things for all people who walk through our local church’s doors as well as who we meet along the sidewalks of life. As a lead in ministry with children, it is helpful to be aware of the needs of others that may not be intuitive. Though I grew up with brothers and their friends, married a boy, raised one, and feel the ministry I’ve been called to lead is realistically boy-friendly, it is important to provide an environment where men of faith in our great God get the best start possible in partnership with their amazing families. So I read, I study, and I share with you.

How are you seeing, naming, and drawing out the children in your charge?

“Without a positive male role model in your life, it’s extremely difficult to become a man who benefits his family and benefits his society.” Donald Miller

This is an ongoing blog based on becoming more boy-friendly in children’s ministry and faith formation. I am challenged by Dr. Sax’s research and ongoing family practice as laid out in his book Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men. Before you think I’m picking on one gender, I just happened to read this book before Dr. Sax’s book Girls On The Edge: The Four Factors Driving the New Crisis For Girls. Future posts will come from that one.

Dr. Sax shares that factor #1 is the accelerated teaching methods for early childhood education. My insights can be found here.  Factor #2 has to do with video games. My insights can be found here. Factors #3 and #4 I will address in this blog.

Factor #3 – Dr. Sax gives story after story of how young men are prescribed drugs abundantly in America. His view: ‘the person most likely to suggest a diagnosis is a teacher’ (pg 112) and ‘boys are being put on medications to fit the boy to the school.’ (pg 125) Whatever your opinion on daily and regular medications, we have to admit that even over-the-counter medications are prevalent in every home today. As a kid I can only recall taking aspirin when I had a fever. I also can’t recall the last time a sickness was obliterated, yet there are entire industries who’s sole goal is to help us take away the symptoms that make us ‘less than what we think is our best.’ It seems like everybody’s on something and now we can get it online and dropped off in the mailbox. Even the essential oil phenomenon is a way in which families are trying to educate themselves on healthy alternatives to the crazy stuff in our food and to limit the intake of mass-produced processed medications. Which brings us to Factor #4 – Endocrine Disruptors.

There is an overwhelming amount of modern chemicals acting like human sex hormones, specifically female hormones, aka environmental estrogens. If it’s just the hormones in our beef, why are only girls going through puberty as young as 7 or 8 years old, but not boys? Puberty is out of sync. Pesticides permitted in the US from 1950s through 2010, “this product was on the market for roughly 50 years before scientists discovered its effect on puberty in boys, and another 7 years followed before the EPA took action to remove it form the market” (pg 135) and heated plastic byproducts (BPA, phthalates, pg 132). “Researchers have also found that early exposure to BPA reduces or eliminates the normal sex differences seen in the behavior of laboratory animals.” (p 137). Scary enough?

Another issue with endocrine disruptors? American parents are letting their kids decide what to eat. Anyone else remember being told to eat your spinach? And forget getting dessert EVERYDAY, much less at just about every meal. “Chemicals in the environment are changing the way fat cells work, so that they become fatter more easily and are more resistant to weight loss.” (pg 141) “Boys today drink less milk and more cola beverages than they did 30 years ago” (pg 144) which may explain the 350% increase in broken bones of children from January 2004-December 2009. (pg 144-145) “Here’s what’s scary: scientists are finding that exposure to environmental estrogens early in life, (plastic baby bottles, plastic bottle liners…isn’t plastic supposed to be safer than using glass with babies and toddlers?) particularly in utero and in early infancy, blunts or eliminates sex differences in behavior. Females become less feminine. Males become less masculine. For example, when young laboratory animals were exposed to these endocrine-disrupting chemicals, the males stopped acting like males.” (pg 145)

Wow! Take a breath.

So what does this mean for the local church and the environments we offer to our kids?

I’m using paper cups and a lot of water. When it spills, it’s not the end of the world. Kids don’t get enough water anyways. When we travel or go on field trips, I invite the kids to bring their own water bottles. Moms and Dads are doing the best they can. I won’t be getting on some soapbox for nor against medication or oils or food or whatever. I won’t offer candy every time they are in the building. I will publicly support my parent’s roles in determining what is best for their own kids. I will pray for the decisions my parents must make every single day. I wish for my parents and the families who have invited me into their lives to believe and trust that I will always speak highly of them.

In Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys these are some considerations as we seek to be boy-friendly in ministry….provide more than medicine (we don’t make that decision anyways, thankfully!) (pg 324-325)

1. Loving authority – be supportive, loving, consistent in structure (be prepared and have a plan for every part of an event/gathering)
2. Good diet – use water; caffeine, sugar, and excessive carbs drive unwanted behavior
3. Plenty of rest – one of the reasons we make the choice we do when we attend a retreat for our 3rd-5th graders is the one when they get to bed by 10pm.
4. Daily exercise – let them move!
5. Discipline toward character – not punishment, but rather logical consequences and remember that each boy, if a believer, is your BROTHER-IN-CHRIST. If not a believer, your goal is love him in such a way that he will become your BROTHER-IN-CHRIST. He is your family!

What else?

“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” Galatians 6:10

This is a continuing blog based on Dr. Leonard Sax’s book Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men. Part 1, focusing on accelerated early childhood education, can be found here.

The second factor affecting American boys today is the impact of video games. I was surprised to hear of why they are so popular among young boys. It is not what I thought.

In complete honesty, I didn’t grow up with video games, but rather on the side of an orange grove in south Florida until my late teen years. My brothers and I would set out each day building tree houses, rigging up Big Wheels behind mini-bikes, making mud pies (more like ammo), and throwing late-season oranges with the fierceness of a military operation. We all have scars from injuries and great stories. We steered clear of video games in #1 Son’s life until he was old enough to wheel-and-deal the neighborhood’s semi-annual garage sale to build a sufficient balance at the local Game Stop to purchase his first video game system, eventually, as a high schooler. We chose to have only one TV in our home until we permitted he purchase one to play video games. We were the family that held off long enough getting a computer at all until Baby Girl was required to do a report as a junior in high school about the Vietnam War. According to our go-to research resource, our 1971 World Book Encyclopedia, the Vietnam War was still going on. We acquiesced and bought our first home computer. #1 Son played video games well and often, but he didn’t start as early as kids do today and they were certainly not on every device he held in his hand. Things are different for American boys today, for sure.

Video games feed a kid’s ‘will to power.’ The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche likens it to one’s need to be in charge of their environment. In boys, this ‘will to power’ takes precedence over other drives, worldviews, and other perspectives. (pg 76) Dr. Sax shares that boys who appear unmotivated are indeed motivated by this ‘will to power.’

“Secretly, these boys often believe that they are special, that they are unique, that they have a hidden destiny that will be revealed in time. As a result, they believe that the rules that apply to ordinary people don’t apply to them. Their ‘destiny’ matters more to them than friendship or academic achievement – more than happiness, for that matter. They often do not expect other people, including their parents, to understand them. They may not even want other people to understand them, because they sense that their worldview, with all its megalomania, will appear puerile and egocentric to most adult eyes.” (pg 76) Are you grinning yet? I am!

So, think about it. Take on the world and beat the bad guys or choose math homework? The virtual world is fast-moving, interactive, collaborative, and fun. “And it is heroic…..In the world of the video game, you can be great.” (pg 79) This is where the distinction between Kenntnis (playing football online) and Wissenschaft (playing football on a field) gets blurry for a boy. This is where a boy believes he can drive a real car because he can drive a virtual car.

Boys are then challenged in this ‘destiny-fulfillment’ and ‘healthy competition’ because the screen has replaced engaging in reality, even outdoors. Boys who can climb, jump, win, and drive online have difficulty climbing a tree (upper body strength), jumping (gross motor skills), winning (racing without breathing heavy), showing endurance (riding the bike for long distances), and, well, you get the idea. Where does a young boy learn patience…humility…how to play with a friend…ride a bike…healthy relationships (many boys today prefer to play video games to being with their families or even girls – pg 89)?

High schools are so large now that only the 30+ athletically elite out of a school of 1,000-2,000 will make the team. So let’s be creative on how we, as the local church, can offer reality, competition, and Jesus ‘is a real man’s man.’ Jesus was hardly a weakling. He was a carpenter’s son, a fisherman, handy, yet patient, kind, and spent time with his tribe. Tribe here means a group of people with similar ideas and interests.

Dr. Sax’s suggestions? Nothing teaches a boy patience like going fishing. Want to make a fishing trip even better? Take a boy fishing with an older guy. The best way for kids to know Jesus is to know people who know Jesus. The best way for a boy to know about being a man of faith is to know and spend time with men of faith doing guy stuff with other guys. Not every guy likes sports, but there is healthy competition to see who can catch the first fish, grill the best burger, and drive a bumper car. Sign boys up for contact sports, classes to learn to play an instrument to play in a band (one band, one sound!), and live out the real thing. Video games are just pretend, an imitation. Encourage boys to take cotillion classes so they learn that spending time and sharing real experiences with real girls is way better than spending time with imitation or pretend girls online. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

My response? I’ve enlisted the help of the Men’s Ministry of my local church to begin offering these outlets for my boys and connecting my dads with Titus 2 men of the church. Let’s break out the power tools, the duct tape, and offer time for creative work with their hands. Will look at planning a local fishing trip, too. “Let’s reconnect the generations.” (pg 255) We’re in the brainstorming phase right now. What else?

“Once you have a boy in your life, things you never dreamed of become normal.” ~ Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys by Stephen James and David Thomas

Glenys Nellist has partnered again with illustrator Sophie Allsopp to provide a beautiful book for children and the young at heart in Easter Love Letters From God: Bible Stories. Glenys has authored two popular book series: Love Letters from God and Snuggle Time. She serves ministry with children in Michigan and comes from northern England. Sophie Allsopp is an award-winning illustrator of many children’s books and lives in England. These ladies have come together to present an interactive Easter journey that is delightful!

Seven sections take the reader through seven events of Holy Week: Triumphant Entry, Washing Feet, Last Supper, Gethsemane, Crucifixion, Burial, and Resurrection. Each page has a 3-D look to it with the appearance of multiple items placed together to further visualize the setting of each event. The artwork is lovely, simple, and delicately fills each page to add to the story. Even the detail of the stamp on the lift-the-flap share an image that compliments each of the seven events of Holy Week.

In the writing of the story, Glenys does well in speaking of the humanness of Jesus.

“And even though he felt all alone, he knew that God was with him.” (pg 16)

The lift-the-flap love letters from God were a reminder on each page, in each scene, that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Even the darkest events were written tenderly, yet truthfully. Sin is not mentioned, but forgiveness is.

Dear _______,  Do you like surprises? Inside that quiet cave I was working on a surprise that no one could imagine. It would be the greatest surprise the world had ever known. Something was happening to Jesus. My son was going to have a brand-new life. But for three whole days the world had to wait.  Love, God (pg 27)

In just a couple of weeks there will be a free, downloadable activity and resource pack available to accompany the book designed for families and those who serve in ministry with children.  The first look of that resource will be made available at http://www.glenysnellist.com.

Though the events of Holy Week are the saddest in the whole Bible culminating in a way I have a hard time wrapping my head and heart around, this is the basis of our faith: the death and resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ, God’s own perfect son who came to seek and to save the lost. We must share this with our little people. They need to know. We need to know. If we already know, we need to be reminded. This hardy book shares the stories and does an amazing job of sharing images that are kid-friendly. It’s perfect for family devotion and to accompany the teachings of Holy Week in the local church.

You can win your own copy! Just comment on the blog THIS WEEK with an idea of how you share, celebrate, or remember an event of Holy Week. It can be in your classroom (for all my preschool champions), your church (for all my Sunday school and small group servant-leaders), or your home (for all our Mamas & Daddies & Grands sharing their faith in our fabulous Jesus with their little people.) Zonderkidz will be sure you get your copy early in Lent.

How will you share, celebrate, or remember our best friend Jesus this Lenten season?

“Can you believe that my son, Jesus, came back to life? Only the King of the whole world could do that. Jesus is the King of Love, the King of Hope, and the King of Heaven. And he wants to be the King of your life, too. Will you let him?” Glenys Nellist, Easter Love Letters From God, pg. 31

 

Growing up with 4 brothers, wedded to a man, having raised 1 son, welcoming a son-in-law, now with two grandsons….boys are fascinating, terrifying, and created in the image of a great God. When Baby Girl (who just turned a beautiful 30!) said, “Mom! You’ve got to read this!”, Amazon Prime delivered an amazing book filled with clinical research, case studies, and challenges facing American boys today. My filter? How we can best ‘share life and the gospel’ with boys today. (Books also read in this endeavor included Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys by Stephen James and David Thomas, Raising A Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis, and Knights In Training: Ten Principles for Raising Honorable, Courageous, Compassionate Boys by Heather Haupt)

Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men written by Dr. Leonard Sax, a practicing family physician, psychologist, and author draws on more than twenty years of clinical experience to explain why boys and young men are ‘underperforming in school and disengaged at home….how social, cultural, and biological factors have created an environment toxic to boys…and presents practical solutions, sharing strategies that points us toward a brighter future for America’s sons.”

Why does this matter in the local church? Because I want every kid to want to come back to hear about Jesus again and again and again. Jesus came to seek and to save the lost. Little boys and big boys need Jesus, just like little girls and big girls. Though I have experience with boys, I am a girl. My job? Give ’em Jesus so that Jesus is irresistible to little people in an environment that meets both a girl’s and a boy’s developmentally appropriate needs.

This blog post will focus on one of Dr. Sax’s five factors affecting American boys: accelerated early childhood education

What happens in kindergarten today is what happened not long ago in 1st and 2nd grade. “Male brains are structured to facilitate connectivity between perception and coordinated action, whereas female brains are designed to facilitate communication between analytical and intuitive processing modes.” (pg 21) This doesn’t mean that girls are smarter than boys, only that girls are trying harder because they are somewhat motivated to please the teacher. Boys, not so much. Boys are motivated by competition and physical activity. Boys are more inclined to go on a walk and say, “Race ya!” and take off. Girls are more inclined to hold hands and talk your ear off telling you about their day. When boys find they can’t please the teacher (can’t sit still, etc.) they find the environment ‘not for me’, boredom ensues, and motivation to do better is tossed out that little boy’s heart-window.

“Boys endure a greater struggle with ‘nature-deficit disorder’ which is when most of life is spent indoors rather than touching, smelling, seeing, hearing the real world which is required for a child’s brain and mind to develop properly. We have replaced nature with computer screens and fancy indoor toys.” (pg 35). All children need a balance of Wissenschaft (knowledge from books/screens) and Kenntnis (knowledge from real experience.) “For boys, in particular, emphasizing Wissenschaft while ignoring Kenntnis may seriously impair development – not cognitive development, but the development of a lively and passionate curiosity.” (pg 36) Hence the lack of interest and motivation for a natural curiosity.

What does this mean for the local church setting? We can’t just tell them about Jesus without giving them a chance to experience the saving power of Jesus. When we teach of sin (missing the mark) let’s use spit balls on a target and bring out the archery tools. Go outside! Go to camp. Engage in lessons outside. Get hands dirty. Run! A dear colleague teaches about baptism with a squirt bottle, a toothbrush, and a dowsing of a cooler filled with water. What I do indoors, what can I move outdoors?

“The regions of the brain associated with negative emotion in teenage girls are closely associated with the language areas of the brain. In boys of the same age, by contrast, brain activity associated with negative emotion is localized primarily in the amygdala, a nucleus with comparatively scant connections to the language areas of the brain.” (pg 51) If the question is to share how you FEEL if you were a particular character in a story, girls will do well. A better question for boys would be, “What would you DO if…”

What does this mean for the local church setting? Instead of asking “How did this make you feel?”, we might ask, “What would you do if…?” For instance: Joseph tossed into a pit by his brothers because they were jealous. Instead of asking, “How do you think that would make you feel if you were thrown into a pit?” we should ask, “If you were thrown into that pit, what would you have done?”

“Team competition socializes boys. It teaches boys to value something above themselves.” (pg 60). “Most girls value friendship above team affiliation.” (pg 61) “We now know that self-esteem has a value for girls that it simply doesn’t have for many boys, while competition – particularly team competition – has a value for many boys that it doesn’t have for many girls.” (pg 65). “Most girls, even athletically talented girls, need encouragement…girls are more likely to decide they’re not good enough, fast enough, strong enough, so they give up…Many boys – especially athletically talented boys – have a tendency to overestimate their skills and their ability.” Girls need encouragement, but if you take away the competitive edge for boys (everyone gets a trophy), they tend to disengage and will seek their natural ‘will to power’ and ‘hero status’ elsewhere: video games, anyone? We’ll go there next week.

What were other suggestions? Inspire boys to learn by providing a ‘boy-friendly’ environment. For my preschool peeps: restore kindergarten as kindergarten, preschool as preschool. Ask them to learn about frogs after they’ve chased some frogs and not just images on a screen or in a book. If our focus is on reading only, stop it. Make sitting optional. I personally prefer spaces without tables, or at least without chairs. Rather than talk about their feelings, give them images to use to communicate and something in their hands. When their hands are busy, their minds are calm. What else?

“God was with the boy as he grew up. He lived in the desert and became an archer.” Genesis 21:20

Have you ever read a book because someone you love and admire recommended it? When that someone you love and admire orders it in front of you, on his phone, through Amazon Prime, while shaking his head, with a grin on his face? The book did arrive two days later and because I love and admire #1 Son, I read The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey by Kenneth Blanchard, William Oncken, Jr., and Hal Burrows. The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey was required reading for a supervisory course for #1 Son. He’s read the thing three times. He recommended it to me because, evidently, I am a classic Monkey-Picker-Upper.

An example of a Monkey-Picker-Upper: Kid comes home from school and says he wants to play hockey with his buddy. Mom takes that Monkey (the next step is to prepare the kid to play hockey) and adjusts the family schedule for all the practices and games, runs all over town securing all the equipment, fills out the paperwork, fills the cooler with snacks and drinks, fills up the van with gas, writes the check for the season. All the kid has to do is show up.

A Monkey-Picker-Upper is someone who picks up the ‘next steps’ or ‘action steps’ for others…aka ‘the Monkey.’ A Monkey-Picker-Upper is someone who feels responsible for other’s ‘dropping the ball.’ A Monkey-Picker-Upper is one who champions their own duties and concerns, as well as the those of the team.  A Monkey-Picker-Upper may be one who is a detail person who partners with a vision person. A Monkey-Picker-Upper feels their calendar and time is easily highjacked for another’s cause. A Monkey-Picker-Upper is typically exhausted and dreams less because they are running around reacting to problems created by others with very little time, if any, ‘to create and innovate and initiate’ on their own. That’s the line that stopped me in my tracks.

Serving on a local church staff team, I found the last part of the book incredibly enlightening. It has to do with managing organizational time. Time for me, also means ‘taking up space in your head.’ The writers share there are three kinds of organizational time:

1. Boss-imposed time – “Keeping bosses satisfied takes time, but dealing with dissatisfied ones take even more time.” (pg 113). As Christians, we submit to the authority over us. It takes time to keep the boss informed, to protect him/her from embarrassing surprises, to anticipate how he/she wants things handled, to build a record of success so he/she feels more comfortable giving me more autonomy, and so on.” (pg 115) Be sure to take the time so he/she knows you can be trusted. Ask the question, “What’s the best way to keep you informed?” Then do it.

2. System-imposed time – Time spent on the administrative and “related demands from people (peers/associates) other than our bosses and our own staffs’ demands that are part of every organization.” (pg 116) This is where relationships come in and learning the organization’s system’s requirements. “We can’t manage without the support of these people, and we need them more than they need us. So, in order to survive within the organization, we have to conform to the red-tape requirements of the system.” (pg 118) Be sure to make the Christmas party, join in on the office lunches, bring some cookies or biscuits to the ones who manage and run the system. Learn the movers and shakers, the hands and feet, and love on them well by listening and being fully present.

3. Self-imposed time – The time I spend doing what I decide to do – aka, discretionary time. “Self-imposed time is the most important of the three types of time because that’s the only time in which we have discretion to express our own individuality with an organization. It is only with self-imposed time that we make our own unique contribution to an organization.” (pg 119)

So, what will it take for you to be able to pursue more discretionary time? This I know: I have been the Monkey-Picker-Upper for a staff team. It’s exhausting and not the best God has for us nor for the organization. It’s incredibly difficult to break the habit of picking up other’s Monkeys, because the Monkey-Picker-Upper desires to present the very best to the One and Only who has called us to serve with gifts and graces and vision and energy. “Although discretionary time is the most vital time of all, it is, unfortunately, the first to disappear when the pressure is on.” How will you manage your organizational time this week?

“If all I do is tasks, I leave a ton of value on the table for creating and initiation of doing things better.” – Seth Godin

A grandfather asked if I had a few jobs his granddaughter could do for me while she visited the week before Thanksgiving. Still building relationships at my new church, we made arrangements for the following Tuesday afternoon. Sweet girl arrived right on time and started making halos for Christmas Eve, helped me set up the Kid’s Welcome Center for Sunday since Preschool was out, and released quarters to be rolled from coin envelopes collected during the previous month’s stewardship campaign.

Come to find out she attended a church where I knew people. Rattling off names, I asked if she knew them.  She did not. One family I knew had endured a horrific and very public loss over the last year, so I found it odd she didn’t know them. I then asked if she went to youth group or middle school group since she was in 8th grade. She said she didn’t have time because of all the other things she’s involved with. “Like what?”, I asked.

She is part of two organizations. One requires 10 hours of community service per semester, and the other 40 hours. 50 hours of community service…per semester! Wow! When I asked how she got involved in the one requiring 40 hours of community service, she said she was invited due to her good grades and it was a high honor to be included…at 8th grade. Pressing further, I asked if she knew of the time commitment ahead of time when she joined? She said, “Yes, but it’s a high honor and I need it on my college application.” I asked, “Can you get your community service hours at your church?” She said, “No. I have to get them at other places.” And would I mind signing this form to get credit for her service hours today?  She pulled out a clean, folded chart filled with 1 hour here, 2 hours there. As I wrote in her 2 hours with me, my heart hurt for her. No doubt she was a ‘good girl’, but she was missing out on the deeper relationships with her local church, the Titus 2 men and women of her home church, and I was the only faith-based organization on her list. What in the world?!

Just the year before a college freshman who was one of my main volunteers for special events told me he could not use all his hours serving in his own home church for community service to receive his ‘cords’ at high school graduation or on his college application according to his high school guidance counselor. So he was scrambling to get the required community service hours in with everything else he was doing as a senior in high school. His team sports hours counted, but his service to his home church did not….except for Vacation Bible School. What in the world?!

Rant coming: Can we just step back and stop it! Stop the busyness and over-crowded schedules of our kids at such a young age especially for the sake of getting into a good college and the honor of being invited to join the elite dance team, elite junior beta club, and elite travel sport team? I know that academics and team sports are important and there is much to learn, but are the ‘honors’ of that taking priority over their deepening relationships with the Lord and His people in His church? It’s the ‘taking priority’ that saddens my heart. Every parent wants the best for their kids, but we get sucked into following the many voices of academia et al as if they know what’s best for our kids. My own kids were average students, not great students in primary, middle, and high school, but they were growing into great people, because of the people who spoke into their lives deeply and shared lives over time at their home church. When they got to college (they still got into good colleges) they knew how to balance their lives, had great devotional skills, and had wonderful people who loved on them through those early years because of the relationships they built in their home church through children’s and youth ministries. When they graduated college, they graduated with the ‘cords’ they didn’t have at high school. Today, they are both highly trained in their vocational fields AND serving local churches, along with their spouses because they had living, breathing, authentic examples of men and women who love the Lord with all their heart as young people. Moms and Dads are doing the best they can. Can we just help them choose Jesus and not apologize for guarding that priority in their lives? Can we just stop saying, “It’s ok,” when it’s not? Can we choose to raise adults committed to the Lord and the gospel rather than over-committed to what? A form? A team? An honor club? Grades? Can we just stop it! Rant over.

As a young mom, I read the following from a source unknown…

Satan called a worldwide convention. In his opening address to his evil angels, he said, “We can’t keep Christians from going to church. We can’t keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. But we can do something else. We can keep them from forming an intimate, abiding experience in Christ. If they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken.”
“Here is how I want you to do this. Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day.”
“But how shall we do this?” shouted one of his angels?
“Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent numerous schemes to occupy their minds,” he answered.  “Steal their time. Persuade them to work long hours and every day of the week. Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, then borrow, borrow, borrow. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their families fragment, soon their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work.”
“Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still small voice. Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive, to keep the TV, the VCR, their CDs going constantly in their homes. And see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ. Fill their coffee tables with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day and invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, sweepstakes, mail order catalogs, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes. Even in their recreation, let them be excessive. Have them return from it exhausted, disquieted and unprepared for the coming week.”
“Don’t let them go out in nature. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, concerts and movies instead. And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences and unsettled emotion.”
“Let them be involved in soul-winning. But crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Christ. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family unity for the good of the cause.”
Well, in the end it was quite a convention. The evil angels went eagerly to their assignments, causing the Christians everywhere to get busy, busy, busy and rush here and there.”

Not on my watch!

“My zeal wears me out…” Psalm 119:139